On the road to recovery – II

Finding a baby sitter is no easy task. Not because they aren’t available but I wanted the best for my children. A babysitter is someone who will be spending a long time with my kids so I was particularly careful and choosy.

I have contacted the agency many times and they promised to send me one by the end of the week. Well they did at last but what they didn’t tell me was my babysitter is a man in his thirties when I had hoped for some elderly lady.
I argued with the agency that they would send me someone good but they insisted he’s the best they have. What I didn’t know was “Tenzin” is a man’s name in some faraway country called Bhutan. I should have sensed it but I didn’t doubt for a moment that my babysitter could be a man because I had this notion that babysitting is women’s job.

Nevertheless he’s really good with the children and that served my purpose but the man is really getting on my nerves these days by being really sweet to me. A flirty man is the last thing on my mind now. After an awful divorce I even loath to look at any man let alone get involved.
He really is an impossible person. I have reminded him many times that his work is to only look after the children and not do everything in the house but in vain. Apart from his name I know nothing about him and yet the man seems trustworthy and I feel comfortable to let the kids alone with him all day. In the evening when I home after a long tiring day at work, there would be some coffee and snacks waiting for me. He would always keep the house very clean and help the kids with their home work, takes them to park or walk sometimes. In nutshell, my babysitter has become a ‘jack of all trades’ in my house.

The kids really like him and we are all very comfortable in each other’s company. Somehow he’s become a father figure to the children. To a stranger or an observer, we might look like a happy family but I have come to sense the danger in the whole thing. Sometimes I would raise my head at the dinning table to find him watching me. There are times when I have seen the desire in his eyes. The last thing I need now is a gorgeous man. I resent the fact that the kids are really attracted to him. They will suffer when he leaves us in a couple of months.

I started avoiding him these days because I have no time for trouble in my life, at least not now. So I started coming very late from work (after he left for his place), but it so happened that he was waiting for me one night. I faked headache and was going directly to bed but I was stopped. He called me coward for not being able to confront my feelings. He confessed that he’s been in love with me ever since he first laid his eyes on me. I wanted so much to reciprocate his feelings but I couldn’t. Not after how I was hurt the first time and not after Adam but he insisted that not all men are Adam and that he’s different.

He also said he wished to marry me and adopt my kids. I wanted to say yes but something held me back. I think it’s something to do with bad experience. After that night I feel myself so attracted to him. I knew I loved him too but I wasn’t going to tell him that. Maybe it’s not love. Maybe it’s just some temporary attraction which will go away soon and then what? I can’t do this to the kids and I can’t do it to myself, not again and not after what happened with Adam.

These days I am torn between my head and heart, each has different ideas. My heart says to love him in return because he’s worth it but my head tells me to be a sensible girl and not get hurt again. What am I suppose to do? Whom should I listen to – head or heart?